When you work a forty hour week in a archetypal office, things happen - meetings, reports, water cooler chatter, them versus us gossip, and of course, the celebratory office party.From birthday parties, anniversary recognitions, wedding and baby showers, your presence is typically required along with your monetary contribution. While attending the last office shindig, I overheard, what I considered to be a provocative conversation. During the Happy Birthday group sing along, a rogue band of freshly married new hires were quietly discussing the notion of having a baby when suddenly Lilian from HR highjacked the conversation. Being a new mommy, Lilian was more than excited to participate, piping in about her many newborn tales. "Kids! They really are such a wonderful gift, a joy really..." she spouted. Then out came her ipad. While simultaneously showcasing her baby videos and chatting on about the joys of parenthood, the rogues were forced to feign interest,. First video up was "Baby Gets A Bath" then "Baby Is Smiling/Gas" and finally my favorite "Baby Gets A Bath a Second Time". At the end of the screenings, Lilian invited her audience to her house Saturday night to see the baby over dinner and drinks. "Bring your husbands ladies!" she chirped while dashing back to her desk. The new recruits, desperate for friendships and connections had no choice but to smile and accept.
I knew all too well, what that dinner invitation was all about I was once a captive victim too, invited to the Saturday dinner to see baby, told to just bring my husband, everything else would be taken care of. But all is not what it seems. This "invitation" cloaked in deception, is known only to an underground world and dubbed "The Parent Trap". You see, New Parents are dangerous creatures, predators if you will. They eagerly want you to join their parental fraternity, "experience" what they have experienced. Now this is where you need to listen, closely. Focus. What I am about to expose is something that has been covered up for thousands of years. IF you hear anything that I am saying then hear this - It's a scam! Run! Don't fall for this! You have heard of direct marketing, haven't you? Pyramid schemes? This is what I like to refer to Amway for Babies.
Here is how it works. That ridiculously friendly couple on their nightly neighborhood walk, pushing their 3 month old in her $1200 shiny new stroller, conveniently run into you and your spouse, while working in your yard. The four of you chat for a few minutes and the next thing you know, you have plans to have dinner at their house.You and your spouse gladly accept, eager to make more couple friends. Saturday finally arrives, you are both dressed J Crew casual, arrive on time, with your best version of a homemade rapsberry cheesecake in hand.Your hosts joyfully welcome you, taking your coats and immediately pouring you both a glass of some decadent wine. You are greeted with the savory fragrance of what you can only imagine as a perfect meal. Once you are navigated to the mid century styled living room where an appealing assortment of hors d'oevres await, you toast your new friendships and engage in small talk. Everything looks perfect, smells perfect, seems perfect.
What happens next is a classic sales 101 move. Your hosts have let you think the conversation was two sided, give and take. Any good sales person does this to a point, and then commadeers control without your knowledge of relinqueshing any power. Eventually the conversation is steered to the new baby. Pictures and videos are shown of their sweet infant sleeping and giggling. Everyone laughs at the picture of baby Katie with pureed carrots all over her face. How adorable you think! I want one, you say to yourself! You covertly glance at your spouse knowing that he/she is in complete sync with you. Now listen up - this is where you need to step back and breathe. You are staring down the rabbit hole and about to fall in. These New Parents, or used car salesmen, are lying to you, lying right to your face.
You listen to stories of unconditional love, how sometimes they hold each other, gazing at their most beautiful creation...blah blah blah. What they neglect to tell you is the fact that this "baby", this adorable, tiny, perfect baby is going to drive you to test your will, push you to a new level of crazy, gray your hair, exhaust you, and ultimately keep you in your own personal prison. You aren't going anywhere for a long, long time. No mall ladies, good luck getting those highlights too. No golf game fellas (your wives will kill you). Its just you, your significant other and that adorable, heaven sent gift you desperately wanted. You will remember fondly when you could just wake up on a Sunday morning, go out to your favorite trendy breakfast joint, order a few bloody marys and over-sized omelettes, then off to antique, hit up a movie or maybe even take a leisurely drive. Yeah, try to go do that. News flash - New baby doesn't like to do those kind of things. Actually there isn't much that she likes to do except eat, sleep, poop and cry. Oh, and when I said sleep, I meant cat nap. New baby sleeps for a couple of hours here and there and doesn't grasp the concept of night time. This is a problem because most of us do grasp the concept of night time. We like sleep. We need sleep. We can't function well without sleep. Baby doesn't care. Baby knows she is running the show. And for whatever you do, don't make her mad. Have you heard a newborn cry? Oh, it is lovely. The first time you hear her cry it will remind you a horror movie shrill that doesn't that never ends. You wonder if someone is actually sticking her with a tack when in fact she is just sleepy.
During this part of the Parent Trap presentation, sometimes your hosts can sense your hesitation. So this is when they take out the big guns. This is where the rubber hits the road. They say to you, "We need to check on baby Katie, would you like to see her room?" After several glasses of delicious, never ending wine, You agree, you are drunk, you don't know what is coming. Everyone gets up and quietly tiptoes to baby's room. As you walk through the door you are hit with a wonderful aroma of baby powder and lotion, you are captivated by the shabby chic white furniture and restored chandelier, pops of pale pink gingham peaking out in linens and blankets. You are given the nod to approach the hand crafted crib to take your peak. And there she is. Perfectly perfect. Baby Katie resting comfortably in her Gap evening attire sleeping ever so peacefully. Like catching a view of a shooting star, you may see her take a little gasp, a tiny little breath. It will melt your heart and you think she is just an angel, a heaven sent angel. Wow! If you weren't intoxicated from the wine before, you are now, just by being in the presence of this most flawless gift.
Ok potential suckers - she only looks like God's perfect creation because in this master plan of life, we need to procreate. In order to procreate babies must look angelic while they sleep so you don't smother them with a pillow. You may not realize this but as a new parent you are cranky and beyond sleep deprived. You have probably been fighting with your spouse about who is going to feed that little monster next. You just want to sleep. That's it. S l e e p. And you will do almost anything for it. And there, lying in the crib is this tiny human trying to prevent you from doing this. She may not be doing it when you peak in on her, but don't worry, it is coming, she will cry...I am serious. This is a fact. All statements here are true. Its interesting how this is NOT discussed during your evening meeting.
Without going into the toddler years or as I like to call it "The Dark Ages" you are wondering why would anyone want you to go through all of this. Who could be that cruel? Its your new parent friend, that's who. They are going down and they want you to go down with them. New Parents bring you in, wave a magic wand through a series of deep manipulations, and brain wash you to follow their path all the while you are unaware what is actually going on around you. YOU SIGN UP. The new lobotomized you follows suite, your life changes. It doesn't stop there - something inside you ignites and you realize you want your friends to experience exactly what you are going through. YOU RECRUIT. This isn't a new concept, it a part of most direct selling models.
Did I fall for this? Yes. Two times. Did I get someone to fall for this? Yes, multiple times. Like most pyramid scams, eventually you realize it is not what you thought. You want out. The kicker is, you really can't get out, you have created life and they aren't going anywhere even after 21 years of age. What you can do is warn others! Now that my kids are teenagers and I have been forced to accept my fate I feel a moral responsibility to be truthful about this whole scam. To those I sucked in to this, hope its working out for you. If your kids are teenagers too, than perhaps you can help someone who was once where we are.
So be strong, be aware of the scam. And if you do end up with one of these small babies, you will get through it. Your mom got through it. I mean you are still here, she didn't smother you.
